safe, I think

I got a message from Dylan at 5 this morning, and he says he's safe. The plan he settled on was to go with a friend about three hours north up the river into Mississippi. I hope that's far enough away. So the only worry left now is (other than for all those people who can't leave NO) whether he'll have an apartment to return to when this is over....

But he's safe, and that's what matters most.

I spoke too soon

Just after getting Dylan to New Orleans, I now have to get him out. He has a friend whose family is in Baton Rouge, and they are trying to get there - but with the roads closed into New Orleans, her mom can't come pick them up.

So now I am waiting for him to see if he can get a Greyhound bus ticket from New Orleans to Baton Rouge, and then to find a way to get to the bus terminal. cnn.com shows the gridlock of traffic, so even once on a bus, that bus has to be able to move.

Life is a bit too much of an adventure sometimes.

and off they go again

Two of my sons went back to school this week - the oldest to start work on his PhD in the Classics, and another to begin his sophomore year in college. Three more return to school after Labor Day. I feel really guilty about this, but it really is nice to have them back at school.

I left graduate school a while ago (with an MA and an ABD) but every September I feel that same pull. To go back... I find myself going through the Harvard Extension school catalogue looking for courses to take in the evening. This year I'd love to take Introduction to Modern Irish. I never seem to find myself looking under the Computer Science category - I find myself craving the liberal arts.

But I made the mistake of telling my (fourth) son (a high school senior). He wants to take it, and I don't want to put him in the situation of having Mom in his class, that would be totally strange. And then I think of the reality of my life, and a course for fun just doesn't fit right now.

But I can guarantee that next September, I'll look through that catalogue again...

post-partum depression

So after saying I really don't want to talk about computers, I guess I can't get away from it. While I have a rather crowded and eventful life (six sons and six dogs will do that to you), I spend a lot of my time and energy doing this computer stuff.

I've had a lot of babies, and I've shipped a lot of products. Yes, these thoughts are connected. Think about a software project for a minute. It's actually a LOT like a pregnancy. There's the initial idea phase which is fun (conception), the first few months of putting it all together, which is exciting but sometimes difficult (the first trimester), then a period of relatively smooth sailing where a lot of the code gets written (second trimester), then the third trimester when the baby is getting ready to ship - that can get difficult, tiring, and you are just plain working really hard. Finally, the delivery stage - labor. Even the stages of labor apply, where everything peaks at transition, followed by pushing the baby out the door. So working VERY hard and intensely, the product/baby finally ships. All of a sudden the product you worked on for months is on its own - and in the hands of others (release people, marketing, customers, etc).

And I think the analogy goes even beyond pregnancy/birth to the post-partum stage. I always feel a little disoriented making the transition from shipping to having shipped. Having worked so hard for the end game, it's hard to abruptly stop. Yes, it's badly needed, but it's a very abrupt change and there's a sense of loss, too. There's the happiness of having shipped, but that work is now finished, and it's on to the next release, the next child.

But software kids seem to go right to kindergarten - you start getting the report cards pretty soon, and you are really hoping the reviewer is happy with the result.

A vacation in the middle helps (maternity leave), and I did that, but still feel a bit down. And software engineers have to turn around the next baby pretty quickly - is there the same effect on the mind that having continual pregnancies would have on the body?

It would be good to have a longer maternity leave...

engineering

I'm a software engineer - have been for 20 years now. I love to code, to create, to build things that work well. But I think I may approach my work differently then the men I work with. And I think that difference shows up in our blogs.

Now maybe it's just because most of the people I work with (and thus know) are men. But most of the blogs I am aware of are written by men. And they are full of programming tips, thoughts on the current state of the industry, and things like that. They are good reading, but that's not what I feel I have to say.

I wanted to blog - and I felt that was the pattern I should follow. But I just didn't feel I had anything I wanted to say on those topics, so then I didn't feel like blogging. Finally I decided I'd just try my own voice and see where it would lead. I still have no idea where, but maybe over time it will become clear.

I love my work intensely. But when I come home (and when I'm not still coding even there), I read novels and magazines, knit, and I just don't pick up a book on programming for entertainment. I love to *do* the work, but it ends there. I worry that makes me a less serious engineer than those around me. I love to code at work, but programming is not an extracurricular interest for me. I wonder if that is because it was not my college major.

I guess I'm also a heretic in that I view programming as an art rather than a science. I write my best code when I am connected to my muse - it's not after reading a book or about a particular technique (though I do look things up for reference). But it's an expression of a vision in my head about how something should work, what's the cleanest, most understandable path to make something work. And when I can factor something out to reuse - to make something general rather than specific, it makes me happy. I have never gotten over the sheer joy of seeing something work - it's an adrenalin kick.

So I don't know if this is a female approach to engineering, or if it is the approach of an untrained artist. But it works for me.

Fathers and Daughters

I think my dad would have liked my new car. And it may sound strange, but I think he told me so.

When I picked up my car on Wednesday night, I sat down, adjusted the mirrors, etc, and turned on the radio. The song? John Mayer's "Daughters." Maybe I'm a bit too superstitious, but that told me that he approved.

It's Father's Day today - I feel a gap. My husband is a great dad - and I hope to make sure we all tell him so today. But I can't help thinking of my own dad, too. He died when I was 13 - and there's part of me that still misses him. I wish he could have seen (and occasionally disciplined!) his grandsons. I hope he sees them through my eyes, if not his own heavenly ones. And I want to wish him a happy father's day....

Retail therapy has its purpose

And I can't say that I didn't need a car. I've driven my 1994 Camry wagon for almost 11 years and 172,000 miles now. She has taught four sons to drive (so far), and is nary (well hardly) the worse for wear. The car (Blueberry is her name) is going strong, and is a joy to drive. But over the past year, there have been things to fix, all fixable, and I just feel that maybe she needs to stay a little closer to home. And with a new driver in the house (who hopefully will be staying close to home), I need to give her up once again to a teenager.

So what to do? Toyota has walked away from the wagon market, and I will never drive an SUV. But with kids and dogs and things to tote, I need more room than a sedan.

And ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted a Jaguar. Practicality has always won that internal battle, but this year, there was no fight. Jaguar makes a wagon. And on Thursday, Blueberry will have another wagon in the driveway.

Debt is evil, but it's a Jag :-) Life is short, it may as well be good.

take a breath

So I've been silent for quite some time, though since I haven't mentioned this blog to anyone yet, I suspect that that has gone unnoticed. Work has eaten my life lately - where lately is way too long a time.

I did finish a chunk of work recently, topping it off with presenting to a very friendly audience of kind people last night. And today feels different. There is a measurable amount of work that needs doing, and I can even think about attaining some balance.

So part of that balance is to restart my blog. They say journaling is good for the soul - so I will try. Maybe I'll even tell someone I'm writing. First, I just need to remember what I was doing before I started working all the time.

so what is an islander?

I call this blog mvgirl, I am clearly bonded to this island. Yet do I belong? What makes an islander? Being born here? Living here? Sometimes living here? Wanting to live here? All of the above?

I don't make my livelihood here, I am not tied to this island in ways that others are. Yet my heart feels at home here in a way it does nowhere else... I am lucky to live here at least some of the time. But am I playing house? Or do I belong in some way?

I feel owned by the land here - Chief Seneca had it right :-) Whether or not this makes me an islander, I suspect I can't answer, but I know that I am fortunate to know this place!

joining the blogging world....

I thought I'd see what this blog thing is like - it's a far cry from the Barbie diary I had when I was 9. This is just a start - more later!